Friday, July 13, 2012

Tips On How To Get Your Killer Caught. Or How Not To Be Killed In The First Place.

I realized this morning that I spend a crazy scary amount of time watching true crime shows. A friend of mine asked me if people are watching these shows and taking notes. I mean, they ARE telling you exactly what to do so you are NEVER caught. That doesn't seem balanced. What about the people that lay there dying? Shouldn't there be a show called "Tips on how to get your killer caught"? I think so, but since there isn't, I'm compiling my own list on what you should do. YOU may not survive, but you'll want to make sure they aren't free to kill again. Amiright? Thought so. I'll also make a list of ways to not become a murder victim. We'll start with capturing a killer....


1) We all know this one. It's CSI 101 - Scratch that motherfucker. HARD. You want DNA under your nails.

If that doesn't work...

2) Bite that motherfucker. You get the point here. Get their DNA on you somewhere that the coroner will look first.

3) If you have been bludgeoned, stabbed, sawed in half, scalped, etc etc, inside your home (or any other place that has surfaces you can write on) take a moment to write some clues, or the name of the killer, if you know it, in your own blood. Gruesome, yes, but necessary. That way you've given the investigators solid leads AND when the person is finally brought to trial, your grotesque crime scene photos will sway the jury to give that killing bitch/bastard the death penalty. WIN.

4) If any of the above happens outdoors, just let yourself bleed. Leave pools of that shit EVERYWHERE. K? K. Moving on...

5) Scream with everything you've got. Maybe someone hears you, maybe they don't. It might help draw witnesses to the scene and, therefore, help nail the person later. Maybe no one hears you. At least you tried.

6) Don't let yourself get killed in the woods. Your body might not be found.


These are just the major ones that come to mind. I'm sure there are plenty more, but when you're dying who has time to run through a long-ass list? No one does. You're fucking DYING. Good lord.


Now for how to NOT become a murder victim in the first place...


1) Don't go hiking in the woods alone or unarmed. There are things out there that can kill you in ways much worse than a human could. Be smart. Travel in packs...preferably heavily armed. I'm talking Tomb Raider shit with knives strapped around your thighs and guns strategically placed all over your body. (Did I just date myself with the Tomb Raider reference?)

2) Don't go for a jog in the middle of the fucking night. WTF, people? No headphones/earbuds either. I almost want to say that if you leave yourself this vulnerable you're asking for a whacking. For reals.

3) Don't ever leave your house. In fact, buy one of the zombie-proof houses and do all your shopping through the internet. Enough said.

4) If you see this on the side of the road:




DO NOT STOP. If you do stop, I'll consider it nature's way of thinning the herd. Dumbass.

5) If you see this on the side of the road:



DO NOT STOP. THIS IS A TRAP. Look closer. That's a dummy, dummy. In fact, HIT IT and keep on driving. Save the person behind you from being murdered.




You know, I could continue with this list but I'm getting outdone with dumbasses. Seriously, who does this shit?!?! Ugh. If you do any of the above shit and end up being a murder victim, refer to the first list.

Good luck.