The Big Move To Massachusetts

(Note- I did NOT write this. A friend sent it to me in an email earlier this year.)

August 15 - Moved to our new home in Massachusetts . It's so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I'm going to love it here!


October 14 - Massachusetts is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE!!!!

October 25 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 1 - Ah, more leaves and more exercise.

November 8 - Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it's best to wait until they've all fallen before I rake again.

November 15 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today's final raking it's over for this season. Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.

November 30 - What the f--k? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they'll just have to wait until spring.

December 12 - It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I Love Massachusetts !

December 14 - More snow last night, I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. I Love it here.

December 19 - More snow again last night. Can't get out of the driveway. Can't get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. F--king snowplow.

December 22 - More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren't bad enough, now I've got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shoveling the driveway. The asshole.

December 25 - Merry F--king Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f--king ice.

December 27 - More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. F--king gloves got wet and then froze on my hands. Doctor said it was just a mild case of frost bite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

December 28 - The f--king weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white shit. At this rate it won't melt 'till summer. The plow got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I'd already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his f-king head.

January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. F--king beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

March 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the f--king salt they put all over the roads.

March 10 - Moved to Palm Springs, California. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God forsaken state of Massachusetts .







.

I've got your back, kid

My daughter is one of the coolest people I've ever known and I'm not even being biased. Not even a little. She's the only person I can have a completely nonsensical conversation with and we both get it. The conversations are usually out there, but the one this morning takes the cake. Where does it take the cake, you ask? Down to the bakery to see the other cakes. (Thanks, George Carlin.) Moving right along...let me share our conversation this morning:

V:  I want a squirrel. A black squirrel. That way I can be cooler than the other kids because no one has a black squirrel. They're really rare.

Me:  Where would you keep your awesome squirrel? Not in the house, I hope.

V:  Of course not. I'd keep him outside and before school I'd have him latch onto my cheek so he can be my new accessory. That way when I walk into school everyone will say "Oooooo! She's so COOL! She has a squirrel on her cheek. I want one!!"

Me:  I think squirrels have rabies, baby.

V:  Even BETTER!! Then I can be a zombie!!!

Me:  Zombies eat people.

V:  That might be why I want to lick your face.

Me:  You should be a writer, you're so creative.

V:  So can I?

Me: What?

V:  Lick your face.

Me:  How about a kiss instead?

V:  FINE, but once I'm a zombie you won't have a choice.

Me:  I'll keep that in mind.



Some people might think this kind of exchange is odd, but not me. Everyday of my life is fun and interesting because of my girl. I hope she never loses her creativity or her vivid imagination. She reminds me that life is meant for enjoying and that black zombie squirrels go great with anything.

 For V

We're gonna be rich

I'm trying to stop swearing. In my first attempt at behavior modification, I put a rubber band on my wrist and popped it whenever I swore. 24 hours later my wrist was red, swollen and probably only one pop away from bleeding. Then I remembered the Budweiser commercial where everyone has to put a quarter in a jar when they cuss at work...

Brilliant. I've put a jar out and I imagine we'll be rich soon. Writing swear words isn't the same as actually swearing, is it?

I'll let you know how it works out.



The Fresh Beat Band

As parents, we are forced to watch our children's shows. Some I've come to love, some I despise with every ounce of my being, but all of them I watch. There's something to be said for turning on our children's shows early in the morning and hearing the familiar voices and music. I depend on them to entertain my child while I get my coffee and fully wake up. They can be incredibly annoying but always helpful. Sooooooo, imagine my surprise when I turned on the TV this morning and.....

Marina from the Fresh Beat Band is no longer Marina! She's been replaced!! WTH?! Okay, now listen, I have never been a huge fan of this show. Their peppyness and over the top I'm-high-as-a-kite smiles are a bit much....but they are the FBB. I know each of them and have come to accept them. And wait a minute, haven't they only been around for like a year?! How do replace someone after only a year?!?

My mind reeling from the shock, I get into research mode. I'm hurt. My favorite member of the most annoying band on earth is gone and I'm left feeling heartache. Why, I'll never know, but it is what it is, and now it must make sense to me. Why, Marina?? WHY?!?!

Okay, so after extensive research, it turns out SHE left the show. Apparently she's getting married and trying to advance her career. Hmph. Now I don't like Marina so much. What is she teaching our kids? That it's okay to bail after a couple of seasons to move onto bigger and better things? To abandon us parents who rely on their ridiculousness to keep our kids entertained so we can get coffee in our bloodstream and become human.....wait, maybe she's not teaching them THAT, but you parents know what I mean.

Whatever her reasons, she better not think for one minute that her obvious replacement has any of us fooled. Well, the replacement fooled my son, but not me! I'm left feeling betrayed and hurt. Out of the four of them, she was the only one I could stomach. But, whatever. I hope you have a long and happy marriage and career, Marina. Thanks for walking into my Nick, Jr. life and leaving me broken. Just...just...whatever. ***sobbing***

^^Who the fuck is that!?!?!^^

Sleepless In Massachusetts

I don't sleep very much, but it's not for lack of trying. We keep our room fairly cool, and have a very comfortable mattress, so it's not that. We even bought 'luxury' bedding in an attempt to help me sleep. (FYI- save your money.) So what's the problem? It's complicated, but I'll try to explain...

My husband hogs the covers and my cat sleeps on my head. There. I said it. So maybe it's not that complicated, but it is frustrating. Let's take a closer look at these wildly irritating factors:

#1) My husband hogs the covers. When we get ready for bed all is well. I have my fair share of the blanket, and I'm feeling optimistic that I'll be able to sleep through the night. He even promises that tonight will be the night that his reign of cover-hogging-terror will come to an end. It doesn't matter that he has promised this unsuccessfully for the last few years, I believe him. So, in my highly optimistic mood, I kiss him goodnight and he rolls over. He falls asleep quickly and begins to make these content little "I'm asleep and it's SOOO heavenly" noises. Over the course of the next hour he successfully wraps himself up in all of the covers and then starts to twitch. My frustration mounts as I slowly begin to freeze to death. But, hey, at least he's cozy.

#2) My cat sleeps on my head. Before you even say it, I've tried. I've locked him out of the room, to which he slips his paw underneath the door and rattles it...loudly. I've locked him up in the 'cat room' (aka-the laundry room) and he howls this soulful howl that can only be fully appreciated in person. This leaves me with two options: I can (a) let him out, or (b) spend the next morning answering questions down at the police station. (Apparently, a strange howling sound coming from your house is enough to make the neighbors suspicious and call the cops.) I decide to take the path of least resistance and let him out. After fending him off for a while, I manage to fall asleep. Long story short, I wake up, he's on my head and I'm breathing in cat hair. To say I feel irritated is an understatement. I push him off, roll onto my side...

...and come face-to-face with my hubby. He's rolled up so tightly that I'm worried he might slip into an oxygen-deprived coma. (Albeit, a warm and cozy oxygen-deprived coma, but a coma nonetheless.) He's also smacking his lips in sweet slumbering bliss. I feel my eye start to twitch. He promised!! It doesn't matter that he's asleep and unaware of his breach in our verbal contract. He. PROMISED.

All the different ways I can reclaim a small amount of the covers start flashing through my mind. But, honestly, is it worth it? It'll just start the process all over again and I'm too tired and irritated for that. So, I give up and roll onto my back. As if on cue, my cat crawls back to my pillow and lays on my head. I've read that you lose most of your heat through your head, so at least my head is warm. That's something, right? RIGHT?!?

Oh, well. There's always tomorrow night...

Mardi Gras in New Orleans

While I am from Louisiana, I'm not from New Orleans. And while Mardi Gras is celebrated all over Louisiana, to truly experience it you have to go to New Orleans. The French Quarter is like a city unto itself. People are packed in there shoulder-to-shoulder and 95 percent of them are drunk and/or in costume. You'll find every balcony full of spectators waiting for women to flash them. Some balconies have even been known to have bras covering them. From beginning to end, Bourbon Street is filled with music, laughter and plenty of alcohol. If you find yourself there, you must get a Hurricane or a Hand Grenade. Just be sure you have someone who can help you get into a cab and safely back to your hotel room.

Then there are the parades. Everyone is screaming, "Throw me something, mister!" and smiling from ear-to-ear. People are jumping all over each other trying to get whatever happens to be flying off of the float. If you are lucky enough to catch the good stuff, you feel like you've struck gold. You just can't go to Mardi Gras without going to a parade. It's a major part of the experience.

Now, to an outsider, it might seem like Mardi Gras is a big drunk-fest. Perhaps, but it's so much more. It's about celebrating life, enjoying the good things and being with friends. It's an attitude that all Louisianians have and we're proud of it. People come from all over the U.S. (and the world) to experience it. They come to let go of their cares and enjoy the spirit that is Mardi Gras. Natives of this great state are some of the nicest, most hospitable people you'll ever meet. And, boy, do we know how to throw a party.

I really miss it. I miss the celebration, the king cakes, and not being able to move my head because of the many beads around my neck. I want to push my way down Bourbon Street, have a hurricane and go to a parade. I want to ride a trolley at night. Hear the street musicians play. Eat the best food in the world and be around my people. New Orleans is a place that once you've visited, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to get back. After all, you can leave New Orleans, but it'll never leave you.

Happy Mardi Gras, y'all!

Top Ten Reasons I'll Cut A Bitch

While there are more than ten, these are the most likely to have me throwing knives:

1) If you hurt my family. (This one really belongs on the Top Ten Reasons I'll Kill A Bitch, but since death can be caused by cutting, it can be double-listed.)

2) Non-parents who feel the need to advise you on child-rearing. Unless you have a child, put a pacifier in it. You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

3) Telling me how I really feel, even though I just told you how I REALLY feel. So, unless you're one of my multiple personalities, sit down and shut it.

4) Inconsiderate people. For example, people who don't wave when you let them in traffic. If you're guilty of this, I should have the right to slam into you and push you off the road. No questions asked. No jail time served.

5) Telemarketers who keep calling your house long after being told to put you on their do-not-call list. (A whistle works nicely here.)

6) A restaurant that doesn't have mashed potatoes on the menu. So what if it's a Chinese restaurant. Stir fry some brocolli and throw it on a pile of mashed 'taters. De-freakin-licious. Who's with me on this one?

7) One-uppers. I don't care that you think your life is so much cooler than mine. Or that you drive an outrageously priced luxury automobile. Your need to one-up me makes you a candidate for a cuttin'.

8) People who think you're stupid because you're from the South. We ain't stupid. Them schools done learned us real nice. So back off, or I'll introduce you to some lovely folks called 'Swamp People'.

9) Ordering a steak well-done and getting it rare. If it's mooing when you bring it out, it'll be returned for a fully dead cow. (*Note-Having a steak knife at-the-ready makes for an easy cuttin' in this situation.)

10) Smurfs.


Again, this isn't a complete list, but it covers the basics. So if we're ever hanging out, be respectful of the list.

Try To Keep Up

My daughter and I have been told we have the most bizarre conversations. Apparently, we'll start off on one topic and end up in a place so strange, that unless you think like we do (i.e.-have ADD or a suspected case of ADHD) you won't be able to keep up. There have been times where my hubby will start off in the conversation, even following along nicely, but after a while we'll notice he's no longer involved. As if on cue, we both glance over to see what's going on...why the silence? What we find staring back at us is a wide-eyed look of disbelief and confusion. This is what follows:

Us: What's wrong? Why are you looking at us like that?

Hubby: Seriously? You do realize you started off talking about homework and ended up talking about why tater tots are the best invention EVAR!! Right?

Us: *long pause while my daughter and I glance back and forth at each other* AND?

Hubby: I can't keep up.

Not understanding the problem, but also not ready to abandon our conversation, we'll ignore the seeming interruption and carry on. After all, tater tots ARE the best invention ever. They have the perfect balance of crispiness and greasiness, and when you dip them in ice-cold ketchup? Heaven. But enough about that, did you see how fast the dog can run??

Okay, so maybe after actually typing that out I don't can't understand his confusion...a little. You see, no matter where the conversation starts with us, we're easily able to follow each other's thinking. It doesn't matter where it goes, or whatever the quickly changing topic is, we get it. We get each other. Sometimes I don't have to say a word. I'll look over at her and we both just burst out laughing. She saw what I saw, she knew what I was thinking, and yep, she thought it was hilarious, too.

It's called synergy and we have it. When seperated, we consist of completely inconsistent thoughts and words. But when we come together, it's the perfect storm. Two halves making a whole. Our combined efforts produce what I can only describe as a magnificent work of art. Or to the casual observer, a really weird conversation. Whatever. It makes sense to us, and if you want to be a part of it feel free to jump on in.

But please, don't weigh us down with your completely rational, logical, 1+1=2 way of thinking. Go with the flow. Expect the unexpected. Prepare to take your mind in directions that you've never dreamt of. But more importantly, try to keep up.


(Note--No rational-minded people were harmed in the making of this post.)