While there are more than ten, these are the most likely to have me throwing knives:
1) If you hurt my family. (This one really belongs on the Top Ten Reasons I'll Kill A Bitch, but since death can be caused by cutting, it can be double-listed.)
2) Non-parents who feel the need to advise you on child-rearing. Unless you have a child, put a pacifier in it. You don't know what the hell you're talking about.
3) Telling me how I really feel, even though I just told you how I REALLY feel. So, unless you're one of my multiple personalities, sit down and shut it.
4) Inconsiderate people. For example, people who don't wave when you let them in traffic. If you're guilty of this, I should have the right to slam into you and push you off the road. No questions asked. No jail time served.
5) Telemarketers who keep calling your house long after being told to put you on their do-not-call list. (A whistle works nicely here.)
6) A restaurant that doesn't have mashed potatoes on the menu. So what if it's a Chinese restaurant. Stir fry some brocolli and throw it on a pile of mashed 'taters. De-freakin-licious. Who's with me on this one?
7) One-uppers. I don't care that you think your life is so much cooler than mine. Or that you drive an outrageously priced luxury automobile. Your need to one-up me makes you a candidate for a cuttin'.
8) People who think you're stupid because you're from the South. We ain't stupid. Them schools done learned us real nice. So back off, or I'll introduce you to some lovely folks called 'Swamp People'.
9) Ordering a steak well-done and getting it rare. If it's mooing when you bring it out, it'll be returned for a fully dead cow. (*Note-Having a steak knife at-the-ready makes for an easy cuttin' in this situation.)
10) Smurfs.
Again, this isn't a complete list, but it covers the basics. So if we're ever hanging out, be respectful of the list.
1) If you hurt my family. (This one really belongs on the Top Ten Reasons I'll Kill A Bitch, but since death can be caused by cutting, it can be double-listed.)
2) Non-parents who feel the need to advise you on child-rearing. Unless you have a child, put a pacifier in it. You don't know what the hell you're talking about.
3) Telling me how I really feel, even though I just told you how I REALLY feel. So, unless you're one of my multiple personalities, sit down and shut it.
4) Inconsiderate people. For example, people who don't wave when you let them in traffic. If you're guilty of this, I should have the right to slam into you and push you off the road. No questions asked. No jail time served.
5) Telemarketers who keep calling your house long after being told to put you on their do-not-call list. (A whistle works nicely here.)
6) A restaurant that doesn't have mashed potatoes on the menu. So what if it's a Chinese restaurant. Stir fry some brocolli and throw it on a pile of mashed 'taters. De-freakin-licious. Who's with me on this one?
7) One-uppers. I don't care that you think your life is so much cooler than mine. Or that you drive an outrageously priced luxury automobile. Your need to one-up me makes you a candidate for a cuttin'.
8) People who think you're stupid because you're from the South. We ain't stupid. Them schools done learned us real nice. So back off, or I'll introduce you to some lovely folks called 'Swamp People'.
9) Ordering a steak well-done and getting it rare. If it's mooing when you bring it out, it'll be returned for a fully dead cow. (*Note-Having a steak knife at-the-ready makes for an easy cuttin' in this situation.)
10) Smurfs.
Again, this isn't a complete list, but it covers the basics. So if we're ever hanging out, be respectful of the list.
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